Sex Begins in the Kitchen is a fun and informative book that my friend Dr. Kevin Leman wrote several years ago. His second book on marital intimacy is called Sheet Music. Both of which are still in print. I encourage couples to add these books to their reading list. Kevin has an uncanny ability to communicate in a clear and fun way about crucial things. Years ago he and I shared the microphone on national radio show called Parent Talk. It seemed that whenever he and I were on the show the topic of sexuality came up.
I mention that because physical intimacy consistently stays in the “Top 5,” concerns of marital conflict.
As you and I continue to move through Shades of Love, I want to give you some tips that will improve physical intimacy. "Quantity" is the most frequent complaint that counselors hear. Unfortunately, couples often define their physical relationship in terms of "the count." How often do we have it? How many times did one or the other reach orgasm? How much foreplay was there? How long did it last?"
It's sad that we haven taken the beauty of lovemaking and reduced it to numbers. Some couples make it worse by attempting to negotiate the numbers, comparing their numbers with the "average couple," whatever that is, or agreeing to trade physical intimacy for help with cleaning the dishes.
Here are some proven tips to improve your intimacy:
1. Add some variety to your lovemaking. Some of us are too restrictive. Change the locations, times of day, or the lighting. Try some candles, new perfumes, or aftershaves. Put on some different music.
2. Vary your routine. I did a Google™ search on, "how many ways you can cook a potato", and the search came up with thirteen different ways. Amazing! If you can cook a potato that many different ways, you can be equally creative in finding ways to share physical intimacy with your partner. A nice full body massage is nice. And don't forget the shower.
3. Communicate more openly. Don't let intimacy become a guessing game. Two physically different individuals with unique personalities, life histories, backgrounds, preferences, and hangs ups must learn to talk openly about intimacy. Be careful about making assumptions. It is fine to have these conversations because communication will directly impact physical intimacy.
4. Increase the desire for physical intimacy. One of the easiest ways to enhance your passion towards your partner is to let your mind wander over pleasurable thoughts about them throughout the day.
Three tips for guys:
•Sex must become something you give to your wife and not something you take.
•You will improve your physical intimacy dramatically if you learn to give first to your wife emotionally.
•Increase your nonsexual touching. This means hugs, holding hands.
Have fun and be safe as you discover new ways to Cultivate Romance.
Want to read a great article about Marriage from a GenXer? follow this link to Relevant Magazine
You can also listen to a 29 min and 55 sec talk I did on Marriage - here is the link
I would love to hear some of your thoughts and ideas about cultivating the romance. Feel free to post your comments.
Shades of Grey or Shades of Love Part 2
“It is a luxury to be understood.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
Building a relationship and being married is a team sport; you either win together or lose together.
One of the keys to building intimacy is communication. Two-way communication that is based on respect, honor, and grace is essential for two people sharing a life together.
Drs. David Olson and Peter Larson have invested their careers studying relationships. They have identified 10 Communication Skills that will enhance your intimacy.
1. Give full attention to your partner when talking. My wife gets very annoyed when I think I am listening, but am distracted. My suggestion turn off the phone, Ipad™, computer, or television and turn towards your partner.
2. Focus on the good qualities and be intentional about catching them doing good. People tend to rise or fall on our expectations, when you are intentional about finding the good in someone they rarely disappoint.
3. Be assertive, not aggressive or passive. Share your thoughts, feeling, and needs. One way to do this is to the old therapist standby of using "I" statements versus "you" statements. (e.g. “I worry when you don’t let me know you’ll be late” rather than “You are always late.”)
4. Avoid criticism. It is a relationship killer. I think William Arthur Ward hit the nail on the head when he said, “Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I may not forget you.” You can never share too much encouragement.
5. If you must criticize, sandwich it with a least two positive comments. (e.g. "I appreciate it when you help out by cooking, the food is excellent. It would mean a lot to me if you could straighten up a little after you are done. Thanks again for dinner.)
6. Listen to understand, not to judge. Two eyes, two ears, one mouth. Listening is all about trying to understand.
7. Use active listening. Summarize your partner’s comments before sharing your own reactions of feelings.
8. Avoid blaming each other at all costs. Instead, work together for a solution. There is energy when we accept responsibility and decide to work towards a mutually beneficial solution.
9. Manage your conflict. (I will give you ten steps for resolving conflict in a few weeks.)
10. Seek counseling. If you are not able to have better results with your communication as a couple. Then take action. Enroll in marriage/relationship class, read a book together, see your pastor, priest, or get counseling if you need to.
One of the best ways to increase the frequency of physical intimacy is through reliable communication. When men and women feel heard, they usually are open to more intimacy.
Next week I will be writing about the five levels of intimacy.
To spice up your love life check out my talk on the 5 Phases of Marriage
John is a Counselor, Author, Speaker and Photographer that helps people "Get a Grip on Life."