John Thurman, Counselor, Speaker
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
professional Christian counselor, overcoming depression, Crisis Response Specialist, anxiety, infidelity recovery, affair proof marriages, men's issues,sexual addictions, infidelity,
Happy Wife Part 2
Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart, Part 2 of 8 - Know Her
By John Thurman M.Div., M.A., Adapted from The Secrets of Happily Married Men, By Scott Haltzman, M.D.
Angie and I recently crossed into our 39th year anniversary. One of the things I have come to know about my wife is that she likes an occasional adventure. This year we went up the La Plata Canyon Loop then to "the Notch," outside of Durango. We had a blast, but one of the reason that it was so much fun was because I am constantly finding ways to win Angie's heart.
When I was growing in Fort Valley, Georgia in the fifties and sixties, about the only Bible that was ever read from was the KJV. It wasn’t until more modern translations came out that I finally figured out what it meant when someone in the Old Testament “knew” someone. It meant they had a “Barry White” moment. This article is not about that type of knowledge, but, who knows, it could help.
In this article I want to talk about the second way you can win your wife’s heart. Know her. Not just in a sexual way.
As guys, we know that no matter what our occupation might be, success, in part, depends on the information that we have on hand. To do well at work, we need to do our research, get the data, the financials, trends, budgets, cost of goods, liabilities, terms of the contract, history, projections, and whatever else we need to do to be competitive. If you are a sport’s junkie, you have to stay current with the facts and figures of your favorite teams and players.
If you want to be a better husband, you have to find out as much as you can about how your wife operates. It should be noted that, as men, we will never really figure out our wives or ladies in general, but we can learn a few things and grow in wisdom.
“There are two times when a man does not understand a woman: (1) before marriage, and (2) after marriage.” An old therapy saying.
Wipe the Slate Clean
That’s right, work on dropping your past assumptions.
Take just a moment and think about some of the different things she does that are so different from the things you do on a day to day basis. Here are just a few areas to look at and ponder how she feels about...
Her role as a Mom
First, she is not your mom, so be very careful about saying something like, “My mom did it this way.” Such a statement could lead to an early untimely death or the life that could be similar to that of a monk.
Some wives are really fine with being a full-time mom, but others struggle with how motherhood can restrict them. Raising kids can be extremely demanding, and your wife may feel overwhelmed at times because of how stressful taking care of kids can be. If your wife seems put out with you, remember, it could be that she is worn out from being a mommy.
Her role and relationship with her parent/s if they are still living.
Another issue to be aware of is that being married to you may have caused your wife to rerun some of the old tapes about her relationship to parents, siblings, and old boy friends. Has your wife trusted you enough to share with you about how she felt about growing up in her house. It is possible that the way she sometimes reacts to you is a leftover reaction from some unfinished business in her family.
Her roles and relationship with your parent/s.
It is amazing to me, both from our marriage and the marriages of the countless couples I have worked with over the years, how many times our parents and our relationships with them can get in the way of a strong marriage. How does she feel about your calls to your mom every time you have to make a decision or a purchase?
How she wants to raise the children
There are shelves of books written about this. For most women, this is the ultimate challenge. Seeing that the kids get through childhood, adolescence, and off to a great start in married life is her big time goal. Women consistently tell me how stressed they are in dealing with children. Men care, but seem to see their kids acting out as a part of being a kid. From this very different point of view, the dad will usually be clueless when his wife collapses into tears after a run in with the kids.
This is huge, and most of us guys don’t get it. Career issues for most men are simple, go to work, provide for your family. For many women, it is so much more than that. If she is working part-time or full-time, she is also juggling child care, taking care of you, looking after the house, plus working for the boss. She has to prioritize stuffy noses, stomachaches, and appointments, as well as keep her superiors happy. Or, maybe she has been able to stay home with the kids, still very stressful. Men need to support their wife as she makes choices about career.
Her attitude and thoughts towards material things
Learn to gain some understanding on her view of material stuff. It’s worth noting what she treasures and what she gives away to Goodwill.
Her ideas of what’s important
What are your wife’s interest? What does she like to study, read, do, and watch. Learn this and I guarantee you will have some great discussion time.
Know her to love her, not change her
Work on dropping all past assumptions about your wife. Look at her as if you met her today and try to discover who she really is.
Guys are visual. Men, use your powers of observation to watch your wife. Pay attention to how she acts in various life situations. What do these observable behaviors reveal about her?
1 Peter 3:7: “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.